The Day After The Night Before

So I left you last night heading off to relax, watch Burlesque and prepare for a productive day. The best laid plans and all that...

In reality this is pretty much what happened






I was so freaking annoyed with myself. Somehow stayed wheat free during the binge so still had an element of control I guess but man I was upset afterwards. Sometimes I don't understand why I do it. Some binges do make me feel good but last night I was so conflicted even when it was happening. :-/

Then I came across this:


For me it's not always like this. I don't always feel guilty but really at the end of the day a little while afterwards you don't feel good. Even if there is no emotional trauma from it, the whole process is hard on your body. When you actually logically think about it, it's disgusting. That's why on Easter Sunday I promised it wouldn't happen again. Clearly that failed but how I'm feeling right now is exactly why it has to stop.

I woke up this morning feeling sick and will be going to bed tonight with stomach pains all because I felt crappy emotionally last night. There is no logic to inflicting all this physical discomfort on yourself for the 10mins of feeling really good after a binge. Last night, to be honest, I never even got that because I went too far and felt sick almost straight away. Generally all round a bad night and something that I have to stop repeating.

Happy Happy Happy (For Real)

I'm off to bed with Christina Aguilera!!! Well Burlesque anyway. It's near enough!! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Happy Happy Happy

I feel a bit of a fraud writing that title now that my mood has gone seriously downhill but this is really about how I was feeling on Tuesday & Wednesday and even this morning.

This week (until a few hours ago) has been so good. Everything was just going right. I've been on my game with the eating healthily thing and even managed to stay wheat free. I'm not going to lie and say that everything was 100% clean because it wasn't. There was even some sneaky chocolate on Tuesday but it wasn't a binge. I wanted it so I had some and moved on. BUT I'm not loving it any more. I know everyone has days like this but it's just been horrible. All I can think about is food. It's actually on my brain constantly. I want sugar, namely chocolate and cake, maybe chocolate cake. I had a tiny bit of chocolate and I thought it would help but it didn't. I just want more. I know that some of you guys reading this will be like "Don't do it, remember how happy you were yesterday" and I know you're right so I'm trying so freaking hard to be positive and just look forward to tomorrow. I'll make the most of it. I never go to class on a Friday anyway so having the day off is no big deal although it does feel nice knowing that it is official and not just because I don't go to Friday's lecture. Plan is definitely work out on the beach, going to do some sprints and body weight resistance stuff, just generally make an ass of myself as per always. ;-) then hit the library. (It will be open, I checked).

Anyway back to happy Vicky. One of the essays is done AND I proof read it and it was actually pretty good. The other one I spoke to my tutor about and we both decided that it'd be for the best if I missed the deadline but did a proper job so I'm doing it over the long weekend and hopefully that way it can be good too. Maybe I'll pull this semester out the bag after all. Stranger things have happened.

I guess the main reason for my good mood was I have a very special person in my life. They've been there for a while but sometimes you just don't realise how important someone is until they say something that just makes you feel like you're the only person in the world that matters and in that moment (even though it's only for that moment because said person is very much taken) you know that all the bad feelings about yourself are not justified because really you are a pretty decent human being. Oh and of course The Voice premièred this week and was only the most watched season opener of the season on NBC and possibly in general and it's just so damn good so that put me in an awesome mood.

I'm very aware that this blog is really disjointed. It was supposed to be about how making the right choices and living the healthy, balanced lifestyle makes you feel great but to be perfectly honest with you I don't feel great. I've already cried once tonight. There are just a lot of difficulties right now and when these things happen I do comfort eat a lot. I said Easter Sunday was my last ever binge (in the end, by my standards, it wasn't even a binge) because I'm so through with that but I did come really close last night. I did comfort eat (it was porridge and yoghurt, hardly rock and roll) but it was one of those situations where I was physically hungry at the same time as just wanting something (or someone as is usually the case with me) and so I couldn't talk myself out of it with the "you're not hungry, you don't need this" self talk but it was so quickly becoming a binge but I didn't eat until I felt sick or anything crazy like that. It stayed relatively under control and I guess that's a step in the right direction. :-)

Going to get a super early night tonight and just prepare myself physically and emotionally for tomorrow. Some of the healthy living people on twitter are actually stealing my life *coughs* @MarkPT *coughs*. I used to be a 10hrs sleep a night kind of girl then I discovered I could get by on 6 and by "get by" I mean I'd be flying. Trying to get 8 should be easy right?! That's what you're thinking... But it's stupidly hard. My body just doesn't like it. It wants more. I really struggle to get up after 8hrs for some reason and so many days it turns in to 10. My body hates change I guess. (It's actually a fact that I'm allergic to change by the way. Even if my perscription for my glasses changes my optician doesn't usually change it because my eyes just don't like. We are trying a change this time so we'll see how that turns out lol)

I'd like to add a correction to my goals for the week. When I said go to the gym 5 times I really meant work out. ;-)

Sorry about how long this is and the fact that it's really just rambling on about nothing. This is something I won't proof read (I sort of skimmed it as I went through) because it's probably highly embarrassing and also goes round in circles, at least if it reflects my thoughts it does.

Enjoy your long weekend if you are getting one and take care :-)

New Beginnings!

Easter Sunday is a perfect time to make a fresh start and that is exactly what I'm going to do.
In January, like millions of people across the world, I started on a fitness journey. In the past month or so it has been completely off track but I'm not making a conscious decision to sort it out.

I'm not overweight and never have been but that doesn't mean that there is no reason to improve myself be it for health or vanity or both.
So I brought measurements day forward so I knew exactly what I was working with and in order to make goals. (it's normally the last day of the month for me)
Since the end of March I gained 3cm (approx 1ins) on my chest [yippee!! :-P] 2cm on my waist and 3.5cm on my hips. It's actually crazy how quickly you can gain weight and somehow when it's a number on the scale it's not that bad (I gained about 1kg I think but I don't have a note of what my weight was at the end of March, it's not important) but when you can see that you've got physically bigger it's scary. Does that sound weird?! It makes sense in my head.

Anyway now looking forward and setting some goals for the next week. Sharing them with you guys to keep myself accountable.

Goals for the week
1. Finish both my essays before the deadline *gulps*
2. Keep my diet wheat free for the whole MF-ing week!!
3. Hit the gym 5 times!! (If I get the chance I might even book myself in to a spinning class. I've not done one in ages)
4. Start revising for the exams.

Keeping my goals nice and short term at the moment. Hoping it will result in more success because they feel achievable :-)

Happy Easter and have a great week!! :-)

Confession time!!

Here goes, my first blog post.

I've been inspired by so many people over the past few months to make various changes in my life and to take different paths but the realisation I've come to is that at the end of the day everyone's journey in life is different and what works for one person may not work for another so I'm basically just going to bash out everything that's on my mind here and then record which journey I choose to take.

Confession Number 1: I get obsessed with my weight.

There I've said it. This is why I fail at controlling my weight. Due to issues I had during my teenage years my family are very aware of this too so even when I'm being totally "healthy", exercising sensibly and eating a balanced, healthy diet my family get really worried that I'm getting obsessed about and then I worry about it and it's almost like I eat really unhealthily to prove that I don't have an eating disorder. How disordered is that?

Solution: Talk to my family and friends about what I'm doing and why I'm doing it instead of turning my eating and exercise habits etc in to secrets. Also tell them my goals and motivations etc so that I can't fall off the wagon in order to prove to them there is nothing wrong.
As part of this I actually have to decide on real goals that I really want to achieve. Up until about the end of February I was doing really well and then once I fell off the wagon the first time, despite loads of attempts to get back on, it never really happened. I have some weeks where everything is great but one thing I have found is I don't do moderation very well. I'm pretty much all or nothing. I guess I just have to work with that.


Confession Number 2: I'm actually in love with Christina Aguilera (We can't let this blog post get too serious now can we)


Confession Number 3: I'm failing my degree because I'm scared to succeed. It's a vicious cycle. I'm terrified to fail but it's almost as though I feel I don't deserve to do well.

Solution: I've not been dealt an easy hand this semester. I'm doing more courses than it is advisable to do and not only that all my exams are just one day after another with no space in between and all my essays are due in on the same day but I need to embrace this and take the fear with both hands and channel it. Set little goals for every day and I'll get there I hope.
Even if uni doesn't work it's not the end of the world. I'm actually really looking forward to it being over. Whether that's in 2 years or 2 months remains to be seen but whatever happens once it's done I'm going to live for a while without a plan or pressure I think.

That's probably enough confessions for now. I'm exhausted anyway. I hope you guys weren't too tired out reading it. :-)